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Friday, December 2nd, 2005
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2:59 pm - Day to day
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Today has been a quiet, relaxing day. I got to do some leisure reading and spend time with my oldest daughter in addition to sleeping in. Ahhh, sleeping in.
Last night was my oldest daughter's final night in A Mid-Summer Night's Dream. She did an absolutely beautiful job. I can't believe she sings opera, and well. I can see myself in her sometimes. I used to dance and I loved being on the stage too. She and I both have been privileged to dance in the Nutcracker 3 years in a row. I was older than her when I performed and I performed in Indy, but it is neat to say that we have a semi shared experience.
I'm dealing with both good days and bad lately. Lots of mixed feelings. Overall things are very good and I am thankful for every moment. Besides, Thanksgiving is one of the best holidays ever. I will be baking all week and I love to bake and I love to prepare the house for Christmas which is a part of our Thanksgiving day usually.
current mood: recovering
current music: Sarah McLachlan-Surfacing
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| Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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7:29 pm - For Mamaw with much love
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First, thanks to everyone that has been so supportive and kind the last few weeks. I went to relieve my mother on Monday at my grandmother's. I got there around 9am and she woke enough for me to get her adjusted in bed and for her to know I was there. She said, "Some party huh?" She kissed me and told me she loved me and went quickly back to sleep. I checked on her, read a book by her bed, and rubbed her back. Her nurse came around 11:30 so I gave her morphine after she left and rubbed her back again. Her nurse said it would not be long, maybe two weeks. Sad news so I called my mom and then let her talk for awhile to make sure she was okay. My mom arrived around 3:30 and my grandmother was very uncomfortable. I gave her more morphine and called the nurse to get more morphine delivered so it would be ready. At 4:30 my partner arrived with the girls and they got to see my grandmother and then my oldest went to opera practice and my youngest and I went to run some errands. My mother stayed with my grandmother and grandfather. It was only 20 minutes later that my mother called and said that she thought my grandmother was dead.
I arrived at my grandmother's just a few minutes later and checked for a pulse. She was gone. It was much sooner than expected and very much a shock. I comforted my mother and we called hospice. Her nurse was shocked. They suspect it was a heart attack because she went so quickly. Who knows, but she is at rest now. I am glad in a way that she went so quickly. She was suffering so very much.
We asked that they wait to pick her up at 10pm so that my aunt and sister could come from Indy to see her. It was such a gift to get to share her last day with her and then get plenty of time to tell her good bye. I spent time with her alone and with her and my mother and just felt so very fortunate to have had my grandmother in my life.
I feel the need to share with anyone reading that she was just always full of life. She loved to have people over, friends and family. She was always busy and generous. She seemed to love everyone. She was nurturing, kind, generous, loving, gentle, happy, lively, exciting, and so very strong.
Now I am mourning and at the same time I feel lucky to be alive and happy to be taking this as an opportunity to live fully and in the moment. I am re-evaluating aspects of my life and there may be some significant changes. There is a lot I am thinking about right now. Mostly, I am just feeling very blessed to have known my grandmother and blessed to have the life I have. I intend to make the most of it. She would want that.
I would also like to ask that anyone that has time/desire to get together this next week or so to call or write, company would be good right now.
current mood: sad but strong
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| Friday, October 21st, 2005
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11:35 pm - Love can be painful
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I have avoided writing for awhile. This time because I have been dealing with sadness and reflecting on my past in an attempt to handle the future.
My grandmother has about two months to live.
Wow. This is why I haven't written this. It is difficult to see in print. I know it to be a fact but seeing it in black and white it is still a shock. I had a rough childhood and most of the positive memories I hold include my grandmother in some way. She was my continuity, someone I could trust. I have been focusing on the current moment. Thinking about what she needs and what my mom and aunt must be dealing with and trying to help in any way I am able. I feel like this is her time and I can grieve later, but my feelings keep seeping in like ink through tissue paper. I go. I visit. Prepare meals and pick up. She doesn't want to talk about it. She will make brief remarks about it and then change the subject so I can't talk to her about it.
My grandfather is slipping more quickly into dementia with the news and the fear he has. He doesn't remember a life without her. He doesn't remember not loving her. She has been his rock, keeping him grounded and now he feels that slipping away and he is floundering. Mostly denying. He says she's going to be fine. He also can't remember that she has cancer. That's she's been very ill. That she has no hair, no appetite, no energy, no desire to be awake. I think he is the main reason she is still here. She's afraid to let go because she doesn't want him to be alone. God, even now she is caring for him.
I wish I could do more. I wrote her a letter but can't get myself to send it. I keep reminding myself that her time could come any day and I need to send it so I don't regret missing the opportunity. It's just that it feels really final. When I am over with her she keeps trying to get me to take things that I want. I have told her repeatedly that I don't want or need anything but she tells me to take this or that home with me. That's hard. What I want is to make her feel better. I want to make it so she can let go and do what she needs to do for herself and not worry about any of us. I feel powerless.
So I have been trying to control the things I am able. I have been evaluating my career path. I colored my hair. I fill my days and nights with work and bad novels to stay occupied. I will post later about the career path because it is worthy of it's own post and I need this to be about my grandmother. This will be a difficult loss and my biggest wish is that she can go peacefully and in her own way. She has been a real gift in my life.
current mood: grieving
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 9th, 2005
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10:07 pm - Picnics and Pumpkins
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Life is venturing back to normal, or at least as normal as my life gets. I LOVE the cooler weather!!! Everything feels cleaner, crisper, filled with that last burst of energy before it changes.
I survived the remains of September without serious injury so all is well. I have also spent some time on the road due to car shopping and purchasing. I now have a new (new to me) car that I like.
Today was our big picnic day with the family to celebrate my mom's b-day as well as my aunt's. We have a big picnic this time of year with a lot of family and lots of playing and eating. I chased my nephews all day and my lovely partner chased me. I think it is the weather that has him so frisky. My oldest nephew has grown very attached to me and doesn't want to leave when the time comes. Today he insisted that he was coming home with me. I'd take him in a minute! After the picnic we went to an outdoor stand for pumpkins. I love to watch the girls get all excited about picking out a pumpkin. This is actually one family tradition that I enjoy.
Off to enjoy some hot tea J made for me.
current mood:  cheerful
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 19th, 2005
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7:12 pm - Sir, may I please _not_ have another???
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WTF!?!?!?!
I am _seriously_ contemplating going to bed and not surfacing until October. Believe it or not, I was in a serious car accident involving one of IU's finest buses, and I have totaled my car. My car, you know, the one that was paid for and just had over $500 worth of repairs completed just weeks ago. I have no idea what we are going to do. The good news is that outside of some scrapes and bruises I am uninjured. Pretty amazing actually considering the damage.
So, while shaken, I am fine but my car is not. J came to pick me up and was amazed that I was able to walk away. He was so great. He jumped right in and helped me deal with it all. Police, a crazy bus driver lady, and people ordering me not to move all buzzing around me.
I just hope bad things don't come in threes as some people believe. Well, I guess I have actually reached my three as the purchase of a replacement car after emergency surgery last week might just do us in!
current mood: shaken
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(21 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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10:06 pm - Gotta take the good with the bad
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Life feels thick and sticky sometimes. Right when I recommit to my workout schedule, I go and have f-ing surgery on my foot. Leave it to me to take something fairly benign and make it complicated. I got a small piece of glass in my foot last Monday night and it just kept working deeper and deeper into the tissue and Tuesday I had to have it surgically removed. General anesthesia and the whole bit. Yuck!
I feel fine now, I just can't walk or stand for very long at all.
I am very much enjoying the changing of the seasons though. It is so wonderful to see the new fall foods take the shelves in the stores and the anticipation of the smell in the air of the falling leaves and cool breezes that are soon to come. I love the anticipation of changes to come.
current mood: coping
current music: Krista Detor
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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3:08 pm - The big "O"
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Life is so cyclical. Things are coming around again and life is so full I can hardly stand it. The girls return home in two weeks! *does excited happy dance and squeals* I will _finally_ close on the first house I sold this Friday. I have really had to work hard and jump through a lot of hoops to get this guy financing so I feel very proud of this closing. I also feel proud because they say it takes roughly 6 months to get started in real estate and my first sale came one month in.
Who would have thought that I would be where I am now? It's so odd, the things that we do that we think we would never do. I actually like some aspects of real estate, but I still intend to return to school next fall. My academic relationship is a love-hate one. I love the readings and love the lectures, but hate the time commitment and some of the writing.
I have found that sometimes money is not evil. At least, making money right now feels important for our family. If our house ever sells we are going to build again. I have already met with the builder and worked out most details. We just need to find the ideal lot for us. We would like some land, but we don't intend to be in Bloomington forever, so we have to be very careful in terms of resale. Sometimes it seems that everyone wants my hubby to work for them! (He's soooo brilliant!) While I am very proud of him, there are places I just won't live. But, no one is going anywhere for awhile, so we will just take things in stride and hope that the demand is still high for my sweetie when we do decide to move.
I am just going to sit back and enjoy the current moment and my happiness. Life is good and all is well.
current mood: happy
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 5th, 2005
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10:09 am - It's all good
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Life is crazy busy but I am happy. I miss seeing my friends but I do feel very productive in my new "profession". I have to keep reminding myself that I will be starting a new master's program next fall because there are so many cheerleaders in this field that they have me all fired up. I am kicking real estate ass! I will close on my first sale early next week and I have two others in the process and I think one of my listings is close to an offer. YEA!!! But no, it does not change the fact that I ADORE children and ultimately want to work with them.
My personal life is suffering, but J and I are doing well and we are scheduling "appointments" with each other. Wish there were more hours in a day. I am on my way into the office in just a couple of minutes, but I was compelled to check in.
I am getting my third tattoo tonight around 9pm at New Breed if anyone wants to come watch me suffer. I also colored my hair for the first time so I do look slightly different. I really like it. J is going to take some pictures soon and I will update my pics here. (Although I found the one and only picture I like of myself that I currently use. There is just something about sexy clothes...although the flame boots that I wore with this combo kick ass!)
If you call me I will get back with you, so that is the best way to reach me. Call my cell. Anyone up for late martinis or even a beer tonight? I'll need it after a two hour tattoo session. Mostly though, I would love to see some/all of you!
current mood: crazy busy
current music: soothing classical
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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9:54 am - Back from "in the middle of nowhere Iowa"
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Wow, so much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I will probably post in pieces to help me sort through all of the recent experiences. My head is still sifting through all that has transpired in the recent days.
Quick list of happenings and then explanations to follow soon:
Sold first house-Yay!!! *does happy dance*
Spent almost a week on a dairy farm
Met the most AMAZING family members (my sweetie's)
Went to a great party for my new grandma's 92nd birthday and my new aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary
Realized how old J and I will be when we have our 50th (OLD)
Got home and right back in to things
current mood: missing my farm family
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 27th, 2005
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9:51 pm - Wandering back on the map
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Life is beginning to slow down which is good in some ways and bad in others. Good because keeping a crazy schedule creates little space for thought and consideration and bad because having more time means time to think too much.
I am currently craving change. I am thinking of a new tattoo and/or a short haircut. Any suggestions? The heat has me wanting to shed some hair. I have a pattern well established of cutting my hair short, letting it grow long, and then repeating the cycle. I am just growing increasingly tired of ponytails or pigtails.
I miss my girls. They spend more time with their father in the summer months and usually I try to look at it as a chance to get more accomplished, but this year it is more difficult. My youngest has cried the last two times I have taken her back to her father's. It's just rough this year for all of us.
J and I had our second "official" anniversary last week. I say official, because we had a private ceremony in our home six months prior to the white dress and family ceremony. Even though some thought that we should not be together, we are still very happy and in love. Must have been the right decision. ;) *raspberries to those that doubted*
Choppy thoughts and updates to continue...
current mood:  sleepy
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 27th, 2005
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5:55 pm - Apologies and Explanations
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First, apologies to anyone that I have neglected this week and I know there are a few of you out there. All week and last I have been busy working on the house. We have decided to list the house for sale so there has been a ton of prep work because I neglect it when in school. I can only do so much while I have classes, children, partner, and work to juggle and the house really goes. I have been cleaning and spending time with the girls at their school and subbing. I haven't even been to the gym for over a week!
I did manage to have a wonderful day with the girls today. They were out of school so we went to Lake Griffy and went canoing and then out to lunch together. It was quite lovely. They have really developed into little adults and watching them always amazes me.
So, if you aren't pissed at me, drop me a comment if you would like to set something up for the next week or so.
current mood:  accomplished
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
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9:24 pm - What a weekend!
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I am exhausted from my weekend. Friday I worked at the girls school and then all day yesterday we worked in the yard. We dug up parts of the yard and did much planting. It looks much better now. Yay, plants! We even planted a cherry tree. It feels very rewarding to work hard all day and then have some tangible results. I also have a tomato plants. Last year I had a garden, but I don't think that I will have the time this summer. Big plans. Details later.
Today we went to Fishers for my youngest nephew's first birthday party. He is such a doll! I still can't believe I have two nephews! I also held one of the little babies that was there. J kept looking at me funny. I think he may want one. Huh.
current mood: productive
current music: Allyson Krauss
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 20th, 2005
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10:20 pm - Question
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| Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
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1:47 pm - Update: Let the wine flow
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"The 5-4 ruling, written by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, will force 24 states to treat out-of-state wineries the same as those inside their borders. If wine can be sold to consumers in state, then state law can't restrict direct shipments to consumers from out of state."
"Beyond Michigan and New York, the decision will directly affect laws in six other states that allowed direct shipments from in-state wineries, but prohibited it from those located out of the state." -USA Today
Indiana is one of the six other states. Yay! *happy dance*
current mood:  excited
current music: Heart
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10:13 am - Wine Enthusiasts, Listen Up!
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Finally this state is making some advances! This is interesring, perhaps especially so for those of you from California, but mostly ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) corvus_sum, I heard on NPR this morning that a man here in Bloomington, a wine critic, petitioned the Supreme Court after the local courts denied his request and now one can ship wine in and out of the state. Yay! Can you believe it took the Supreme Court to rule on this matter???
We'll have to get a wine tasting party scheduled!
current mood: flabbergasted
current music: Kris Delmhorst
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(26 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 12th, 2005
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1:30 pm - Claps of thunder and streaks of lightening
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There is something extremely invigorating about sitting outside and watching a storm that is rapidly approaching where you are. First, you have the temperature drop. The wind blew and each time a huge gust came our way there was increasingly cooler air. It felt wonderful. Then the lightening came. First it was just blanket flashes in the sky and then came the bright streaks in the distance. It quickly came closer and closer. Louder and louder. Then the big water drops. The drops were cool and a great comfort after a long hot day. I wanted to play in the rain but instead I went in and got two adorable children ready for bed.
Yeah thunderstorms! I was also talking to J about how a good thunderstorm can easily be described as porn. ;)
current mood: invigorated!
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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9:31 am - All in a day
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clean the house
laundry
run to Target
drop by my mom's office
call J
grocery
ponder the meaning of life
exercise
solve world hunger
rest
current mood: busy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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10:11 pm - For all you moms
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The One Who Knows
Words and music by Dar Williams
Time it was I had a dream
You're the dream come true
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you
I'll take you to the mountains
I will take you to the sea
I'll show you how this life became
A miracle to me
You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows
All the things you treasure most
Will be the hardest ones
I will watch you struggle on
Before the answers come
But I won't make it harder
I'll be there to cheer you on
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on
You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows
Before the mountains call to you
Before you leave this home
I want to teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own
But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast
You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows
current mood: weepy
current music: Dar Williams
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| Friday, May 6th, 2005
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6:27 pm - Interesting
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Stars
~ 74% Water ~ 70% Wind ~ 48% Earth ~ 77% Fire ~ | | Fall for me,
my Southern Cross, my star...
Hey, nice. It seems your personality is mostly balanced. You are likely intuitive, intelligent, and adventurous.
However, if you ever feel like it’s getting hard to concentrate on work that needs to be done, try wearing an Aventurine or a Citrine. They both inspire prosperity and career success and thus help balance out your somewhat shy Creative Chakra, which is associated with the element of earth and represents our need to preserve and grow.
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 89% on water | | You scored higher than 30% on wind | | You scored higher than 13% on earth | | You scored higher than 80% on fire |
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current mood: calm
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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3:34 pm - 1 ,2, 3- not me
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Hot tea, classical music, and my thoughts about why it is so difficult for me to rank myself on my list of priorities. Sadly, I often don't even make the list.
Maybe I'll let J talk me into a vacation for the two of us when the girls are out of school. Time alone on a beach with my man would really be great.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Bach
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